but as always... i have my usual, all too familiar excuses.
***
so last saturday, i together with sarah, braved the afternoon manila heat and the weekend traffic at SLEX to pay our last respect to an orgmate in college who succumbed to lupus. or complications of lupus. i'm not sure. i didn't get to google that sickness.
well actually, an hour before going to sucat, i was having a crisis inside the fitting room of mango because none of their bermuda shorts fit me. i was telling the sales lady who assisted me that yes, i know, my waist and hips are totally unproportioned--but they have got to have something for me.
but there was bloody none. they have a term for this-- shopping tragedy. at that time, it was enough reason for me to not go to the final rites. i mean, there i was with a new shopping tragedy and i have yet to recover from my crash moment.
i felt i had too much. i was already drowning in my petty crisis and the last thing that i needed is to deal with another dose of the universe's reality.
oh gad i'm so shallow, i know.
so i walked around my playground to get fresh (mall) air and clear my immature, selfish thoughts.
after a good 10 minutes of looking at the display windows of boutiques, bumping into a hottie named atom araullo and getting some glass-panel-filtered-sunlight, i became okay.
***
we got to sucat at 330PM. len was scheduled to be cremated by 4PM. however, there were many people who wanted to give eulogies, you know, anecdotes, stories, memories with len that the cremation was moved to 5PM.
about half an hour of being seated there, i started feeling restless. i asked for a glass of water. and while drinking, i tried to analyze what was going on inside me. could i be allergic to the flowers or the candles? is all the crying getting to me? will people cry when i die? will they be saying so many good things about me that my cremation will be delayed for an hour or two?
len was a few days short of turning 28 when God called her to a face to face interview.
will God smile at me when i stand (or most likely, be at my knees) before Him and give an account how i lived my life?
i am turning 28 next year.
i was juggling those thoughts when mikki handed me a plate of chocolate mousse. yes, a plate of chocolate mousse which he intended for me, sarah, ryan and louis to eat. however, i was desperate for a diversion so i didn't bother sharing with my other friends and gobbled that sinful stuff all by myself. the sugar kicked in and i just completely dissociated myself from all the sniffing and the crying that went on around me.
***
i spent that night with just my thoughts that were previously dislodged by the endorphins from the chocolate.
i realized that at 27, aside from being pathetic when it comes to sports, public finance and cooking, i am just plain horrible at handling the bad things in life that have been giving me frequent visits lately.
failure. pain. loss. break ups. death.
hmmm... i don't know, at this point, even waiting is painful.
but as everyone had told me, the waiting will have a point.
i am not so sure though if my upcoming stint is the long delayed gratification from all the waiting that i did in the past month.
it could still be part of the waiting. i don't know.
***
what am i up to on monday, august 6?
here's a multiple choice:
1. on august 6, i would be seven weeks pregnant. (yey! baby bump ahead)
2. on august 6, i will start my stint as aerobics instructor at gold's gym
3. august 6 will be my first day at the culinary school in nueva york
4. i will be on mission at an enemy territory on august 6
and the correct is: you'll know soon. let's just say i am on reconciliatory mode and that i am growing up.
***
now that i come to think of it, i am struggling with homonyms. wait and weight.
yes, i do have weight issues.
and yesterday, some psycho, gave my sister this huge black forest cake. my equally psycho sister brought it to my mom's house.
the psycho of all psychos (guess who) was begging to be put in a strait jacket when she saw the humongous cake. but there was no strait jacket at mom's kitchen. only forks.
so here's my shameful gallery of gluttony:
tempt me. 
oh. lard.. it is good. 
i can't get enough. get me to a rehab!
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