yet another case of my life imitating art

So, you really wanna know how I feel, right now, at this minute?

THIS:

borrowing from Meredith Grey when she drowned on dry land

Somehow, my head is still above the surface most of the time. I'm swallowing more air than water, but it's hardly reassuring because all I can see above the waves is the grungy rising wall of the docks. I seem to be slipping further and further from it, and I can hardly figure out how to hold my head above the water, let alone swim back towards the dark wall and its promise of solid ground.That's all there is to see; a promise of salvation that is becoming increasingly remote. That, and the gray-white nothingness of the sky overhead, mirroring the plunging void beneath me.

(to be continued... )

apolitical

a lot have been wondering why i haven't been yakking about third world politics lately.

there have been so many things going on. the contested human security act. extra judicial killings that leave a chilling effect among journalists and administration dissenters. on Juan dela Cruz paying more taxes now but getting less of the basic services due him. the 6.7% GDP growth rate that does not even slightly impact poverty. the rising misery index (yes, there is such a thing in economics).

oh. the. mess.

when i started this blog, i wanted it to be a pulpit on which i can speak about politics and governance. but there have been a lot of things that happened in the recent past that left me confused and doubting.

i don't want to think about it. and i will not talk about it. unless, i want to go thru the next level of hell when i face the commission on appointments for my confirmation as undersecretary. or until my advertisers notify me that a 3rd world political blog is finally in vogue. or until becks sends me an email to say that he misses my political commentaries.

GGTM

anyway, does anyone know of a university or institute in the US that would take in interns to observe the 2008 elections? because right now i am very interested in Uncles Sam's presidential polls. you know, how the two party system work, what happens in primaries, how the parties raise funds, how to manage campaign in 50? 51? states-- the works. and yeah, i want to bring home some gossip on what washington's plans are with regards to this far flung archipelago.

okay, okay, aside from all those shallow reasons, the reason i want to get a US visa is: i want to meet wannabe democrat presidentiable john edwards in person.

Josmio! Ang gwapo!

***

all right, let me talk a little about the wicked and wonderful world of my homeland's politics.

at the opening of the 14th congress yesterday: the ___________ ( i don't have a term for it) within the opposition resulted to my former boss getting elected as senate president.

mr. palengke--este--mr. sipag at tiyaga
as Senate President once more

at the lower house, after all the screaming and the drama, the gentleman from i don't know which district of Pangasinan prevailed as Speaker of the House of Representatives.

House Speaker JDV
(err no.. this is yoda, something must be wrong with blogger)

there you go-- Jose de Venecia
(who do you like better? JDV or Yoda?)

of course, the opening of Congress will not be complete without the president's State of the Nation Address.

i don't know what caption to put under the photo. i mean, i didn't watch the SONA. but it doesn't mean i don't know what she talked about.

that was her 7th-- take note--7th SONA.

oh well... i'm shutting up...

phone calls

a week after i got my ass kicked at that interview...

i'm 50 lbs heavier (all the sleeping and all the chocolates), i'm addicted to the beckhams, i haven't been out of mom's house since i got in five days ago, and i am not taking calls from anybody (i just didn't want to talk).

until this morning.

friend: so, will i see you next week at the opening of the 14th congress?

me: (silence)

friend: g.h? g.h.? hello?

me: dude i'm here. i ... don't think i'll see you on monday.. i mean.. well at least not yet on monday...

friend: oh, bakit? aren't you suppose to be at _______ by monday?

me: pare, i took severe beating from that office last week. you're lucky i'm starting to talk to people again.

friend: don't be melodramatic. come on, quit screwing around. ayaw mo lang manlibre eh.

me: dude, i'm not kidding.

friend: g.h., i know you. remember that time you said you're already about 200lbs, and the aides went around looking for someone who's 200lbs at the penn lobby?

me: hay naku, i wish it's the same this time. but dude, this is like, REAAALLL as real as nicole richie's pregnancy.

friend: how can i help you?

me: sabihin mo sa dad mo to appoint me his chief of staff. or your brother's.

friend: haha. gusto mo? since 2005 we've been talking about this. ikaw naman itong urong sulong.

me: i don't know pare... i have to go thru hell and high water pa to get that freaking post. haaay...

friend: wait, kilala ka naman ng mga brods di ba? they can help you there.

me: you haven't been reading my blog, have you?

friend: umm... no, i don't have time to read blogs eh.

me: hay naku, that blog is for my friends pa naman. you know to tell them how i am, in case i only see them once every five, ten years. you should check my blog. pimp it to the whole wide universe. i write about my friends there. i think i'll be posting this conversation that we're having now.

friend: haha. why don't we just meet before monday?

me: i'm not sure eh. i have a coupla things to do when i get back to manila.

friend: kala ko ba you're out of job. how come you have a coupla things to do?

me: you know, i have appointments with my counselor, mentor, spiritual adviser. then shopping, plus plus plus, i have to be groomed. i need grooming before saturday. sunday i have charity work.

friend: grooming? are you a dog now?

me: no, i'm a hairy gorilla.

g & G
(gizmo and G.H. )

we need salon sponsors.
we need grooming.

friend: so, when will i see you?

me: i don't know. basta, i'll give you a call. or text. or YM. or smoke sign. whatever.

friend: all right. you take care. i'll talk to my dad and brother. if you're writing about this conversation, make sure you get it right. i hate being misquoted.

me: ako pa? thanks dude. bye.

deja vu-- all over again

how much do you know about yourself if you haven't been in a fight?
-- tyler durden


on with good news...

since tuesday, i have been able to finally get six to eight hours of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep.

no, no, i'm not on sonata or ambien or any of those prescription drugs that a lot of women my age are popping nowadays to get to lala land.... the doctor suggested a couple of other things that i try before overdosing myself with sleeping pills.

so last weekend, i bought new pillows. i went around asking the friendly pillow ladies at our home how this brand differs from this brand, the standard softenss/firmness/ thickness/ thinness, where is it made, where the cotton filling comes from, what is it with the pillows that made them dust mite proof, you know, those annoying queries that make some people to just opt for a job in war torn territories than get into a job in sales.

i also changed my room air freshner from citrus and green tea to lavander.

umm.... i got bad news though...

i got to sleep eight hours tuesday night to wednesday morning because i got too tired.

errr.. no, no... beaten to a pulp is more like it.

a week prior to tuesday, july 10, i was informed that i am up for final interview at this institution that i've always regarded with high esteem. i've already had three interviews and an exam the other month with this agency.

being the cocky, know-it-all that i am, i was confident that after the interview, i would be looking for a condo in salcedo, because i do not want to be late on my first day of work in that office.

okay, i wasn't really that yabang. i knew i had to prepare for that formal, part of the hiring procedure Q&A. .

i spent a total of three nights doing dress rehearsals for that interview. i even went to zara and bought a blouse that i think was totally necessary to complete my alpha female look. what's an alpha female? check the january issue of marie claire USA. okay, okay, i'll talk about it next time.

so, at exactly 10AM, july 10, i, together with my swagger and my arrogance, marched into that office to finish the final hurdle.

it was almost 11AM when the girl, who came before me came out of the boss's office. i wanted to ask what took her so long, but i was excited to get my interview done and over with and be finally offered the post and the whopping salary.

as the boss and i exchanged introductions and pleasantries, i had the impression that the interview will be a walk in the park. i mean, hell, she was wearing baby pink and she didn't have wrinkles, so most likely, she won't give me a hard time.

until she fired away.

"define fiscal policy. what is the country's fiscal policy--describe it-- what do you think about it?"

beads of sweat started to form on my broad forehead.

"how is fiscal policy different from economic and monetary policy? what is the country's debt policy?"

i was squeezing information from my three brain cells. only two were there-- the other one was wise enough to go on sabbatical. my shallow answers were punctuated with "ummm".. "i mean".. "i think".."you know."

"tell me about the MDGs. is it a new development strategy? what are the development strategies? do you think the philippines should even bother with the MDGs when we already have the MTPDP?"

i started praying for a tsunami to come and swallow the whole manila bay. i thought, at least, i would have more chance of survival in a tsunami than getting out of this interview in one piece.

"define contingent liabilities. why do you say that the government is not managing the contingent liabilities well. what danger does it pose?"

i looked at the door and wished that ashton kutcher and his entire crew would barge in and tell me that i was punk'd.

"talk to me about rights based approach? what can you say about it? do we have to adopt it really?"

optimus prime, autobots-- i think this is the time for you to transform and roll out.

"when you talk of balanced budget, what do you mean? what is the formula in computing deficit? what are the factors to consider in public budgeting?"

at that moment, 40% of me have already dissociated. and i was thinking, this is suppose to be an interview. like, the interview movie. easy, fun, glamorous.




but no, the interview, that supposed final job interview turned out to be fight club.

raw. bloody. dark.

and my flat ass was kicked and i was beaten like i've never been kicked or beaten in my entire life.




the grilling lasted 55 minutes. i was one fourth alive by the time it ended. the boss shook my hand again and thanked me. i told her "that was tough." and she said, "was it?"

i wanted to answer, "yes, now if you could just put a gun barrel between my teeth and paint your carpet with my brain. because really, i don't think i can live the rest of my life faced with a very bleak future in public finance and development work and with the constant threat of my university taking back my master's degree and my former office demanding a refund of my salary after my shameful performance."

paint your carpet with my brain

of course i didn't say that. i just smiled and hoped that she'll be stricken with amnesia as i walked back to the receiving hall, my guts between my shaking knees.

i probably looked traumatized that maya, one of my co-applicants expressed concern and asked if i was okay. for a while i couldn't speak. i wanted to tell her: "call oprah, call dr. phil., call my psycho therapist, pronto!"

she tried to talk to me, to see if i was still alive. her next question almost made me jump off my seat. "so, kailan n'yo balak magpakasal?"

okay, okay, i swear, i didn't tell her that i am with someone. i don't know why she asked that question which i answered with: "umm....baka next year..."

as if...

hmmm... i wonder if my dude would still hold my hand if he was in the room with me during the interview. i also wonder what my teacher in public finance would say. i mean, the words pathetic, shameful, scandalous, insult to the boss's intelligence are understatements to describe my performance. i mean it was realllllyyyy baad that if i had a pet and it was with me, it would opt to be thrown in the dog pound than have me as its owner. seriously. and if monster in law finds out, she might go, "she sucks na nga at cooking, she screwed pa her interview."

***

i went to the mall after the interview. oh yeah, i am very predictable no? i wanted to raid the shops for something that would cheer me up. but when i got to the boutiques, i was too distraught to even believe in retail therapy. and besides, i've done all the shopping that i needed for the week.

so i went home.

the moment, i got to my room, i started crying. i cried like the reversal of the adverse effects of climate change depended on it.

seriously, eversince i got into this what should i call this part of my life? the-books-of-job-and-lamentations moments, this turbulence that i've been having since april, i thought i've already crashed. but i crash some more, i crash again and it is always worse than the previous.

so there i was, clutching, drenching with tears and snot my new, hypoallergenic, dust mite proof, of USA material pillow. all right, i was also eating a large toblerone bar. i need endorphins, endorphins make you happy, you know.

the crying wore me out, that by 10PM, i was sleeping like a baby.

***

when i woke up at 630AM, my eyes hurt. but i surprisingly felt kinda well.

so well that i was able to gather my thoughts and figure out what the hell happened yesterday.

then i remembered.

so far, i've already had two jobs. my first job interview was for my internship. in preparation, i remember reading books on how to ace job interviews. the HR head and i ended up laughing and chatting about the people we know in UP (all right, gossiping). at my first paid job, the interview was informal. the boss asked what my course is and i said "journ po." and he said, "loren legarda ka pala." and he turned me over to my immediate superior who convinced me to work for their office. at my second job, i didn't have to be interviewed at all. at my current teaching stint, i didn't have to be interviewed also.

that interview last tuesday was my first real interview for the job. if real interviews go that way.

now you know why i dread meeting monster-in-law for the first time. because i am not used to being grilled/ roasted/ skinned alive. moreso, i am not used to selling myself. i'm a take it or leave it deal.

yeah yeah, that's ironic considering that i love being spin meister. but i do it for other people, for a cause. never for myself.

and yeah, okay i'll come clean. aside from my cluelessness when it comes to real interviews- i didn't study well. okay okay, i didn't study at all.

now shoot me in the head.

"interviews are undergone by unprepared fools like me, but only God, can make tree."

random conversations

long drive from makati to QC

him: so, what would you do now?

me: i dunno.

him: hmm.. you said you know what to do. you know what u want to do... in the next ten years.

me: yeah. i think i'll do a hilary hilton.

him: a what?

me: what did i say?

him: you said hilary hilton.

me: no i didn't.

him: i didn't drink you know.

me: i know what i said okay.

him: i'm not deaf either. you said hilary hilton.

me: no, i didn't.

him: from this day on, i'll call you hilary hilton.

me: okay. i said hilary hilton. dang i'm confused. now, can you please not call me hilary hilton.

him: aight.





and...hey... check out simpsonsthemovie.com.

create your own avatar.

here's ambidextrous simpson.

does it seem like me?

A. yes. you must've been matt groening's inspiration.

B. hell, no. the avatar looks better.

will u wait 4 me?

when i was a little girl, i would be sitting by our porch at our house in the States and praying that someday, my knight in a shining armor would come, and he will be tall, blue-eyed and blonde haired.

eeek. that wasn't me talking.

that was my freshman blockmate and good friend, tiffany, retelling us her love story.

and well, last june 16, on the ecru shores of puerto galera, she and the tall, blue-eyed, blond haired knight exchanged "i-do's."

morten and tiffany

june 16, 2007

i love weddings. seriously, i do. no matter how simple or how modest the reception or celebration may be, it is, to me, always a grandiose display of love and faith. i have a lot of respect for couples who suck in their fears and throw out their selfishness and get married.

getting hitched is really a leap of faith. a giant leap.

take the exchanging of vows for example.

i mean, with God and so many people (or if you're a political candidate, with your entire barangay/municpality/province) as witnesses, it takes a lot, as in a loooooot of guts, sanity (or is that insanity? LOL!), maturity and courage to tell your fiance/fiancee : "I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness."

celebrating one of life's many surprises

me, shella, weng and the olesens

what else? aside from the possibility of me catching the bouquet, i also like attending weddings or hearing news of friends getting married because it keeps me hopeful. i mean amidst all the prevalent destruction of families, it makes me happy that there are those who decide to build their own families.

oh gaad... this is starting to be cheesy... i'm getting nosebleed.

okay, i didn't catch the bouquet. again!!!!

but as i've said, i am hopeful. a little jaded. but still hopeful.

so hopeful that when i got back to manila, i immediately sent emails to monique luhiller, very wang and christian lacroix. and also to karl lagerfeld.

i asked them to design my wedding gown.

and...well... three weeks after, only my fairy godfather sent me a design.

the gown, my gown was worn at the chanel haute couture autumn/ winter 07-08 show.

uncle karl at the chanel haute couture atumn/winter 07-08

that's not my gown. i instructed uncle karl to use white, white, white. now... are you ready to see my gown? what? i didn't hear you? yes? okay, here goes...




*****1








**************2








****************3

will you still wait for me at the altar

if i walked down the aisle in this?

i asked fairy godfather if he was kidding and he said, he ain't.

jeeezzz.... he does have a sense of humor no?

so i asked him if the shades come with the gown.

to my delight he said: oui! oiu! oui!

at least i can hide behind the bangaw shades.

told you i am hopeful. =)

bright and shiny.

.....

hapi bday. i'm glad ur around.

random phone calls

11: 15 AM, July 4th

me: hey b....

b: hey, i have to tell you this. i came from my QC office. and i was driving on my way back to makati along C5 when i thought maybe we could have lunch. so i made a u-turn somewhere in eastwood and began driving towards UP. then i realized, you're no longer in UP.

me: they have a term for that. alzheimer's. that, or you haven't been listening to me as usual. ang yabang mo. even if i were still in UP, what makes you think that i'll have lunch with you?

b: dahil gumagawa pa ng siomai at hopia ang boyfriend mo sa mga panahon na to.

me: bwiset, bawiin mo yun. nakakainis talaga kayo.

b: seriously, i'm just checking how you are after friday.

me: what kind of answer do you want ba? bright and shiny or dark and twisty?

b: shempre whatever's real. coming from you, i think it's the dark and twisty answer.

me: you know what, i have this orgmate, batchmate who is now assistant vice president for this multinational bank. and i was thinking, darn it pare, how can he be AVP and i'm jobless. like really tsong....

b: well, i know we've talked about this a couple of time before pero, you need to get rid of the testosterone in your system. you're too competitive. sabi ko na sa'yo, you're a girl and your husband will take care of you naman so stop being too career oriented, being too driven. it scares the hell out of us.

me: i dunno man. i'm not competing. i just want a really high paying job that'll allow me to bust balls while i'm at it. on second thought... i dunno what to think now...

b: the things that we go thru all have a reason. in your case, siguro the experience will mature you. develop your patience which you really, really need to work on.

me: b, you know, this whole crash moment is doing another thing to me. it's making me brattier and more whiny. i hate it. i'm starting to not like myself.

b: hang in there. it'll have a point. you'll be okay... so when are you coming back?

me: i have one more interview next week. i've had three interviews with this office already and an exam.

b: i have a question, did you eat the marshmallow that the guy in white coat placed in front of you when you were two years old.

me: if i tell you my answer, will we still be friends?

b: depends... hahaha.. of course, we're friends now, what could be worse?

me: crazy. i hate you.

b: go on, the suspense is killing me.

me: when they made me take the marshmallow test, i ate the marshmallow. and when the dude in white coat came back, i held him hostage and told the other scientists behind the two way glass window that if they don't give me the entire bag of marshmallow, i'll drive the dude inside the room with me insane with my blood curdling shriek.

b: why am i not surprised?

me: yeah, so do you still love me? do you still want to have lunch with me when i get back to funila?

b: hmmm... i'm not so sure now...

me: i hate you...

b: no, you don't. so what are you doing now?

me: doing sit ups. hehe. i was on my twentieth crunch when you disturbed me. now it'll be your fault if i remain fatty patty.

b: you should be in driving school di ba?

me: promise mo muna that you'll let me drive your lovely chrysler-- what's that na nga?

b: you ask my dad first. if he says yes, then you can use it for a week. mag co commute na lang ako.

me: you know, for a friend, you're so supportive, it makes me want to cry.

b: shempre. hey, galingan mo sa interview. i'm sure you'll make it.

me: sana....

b: modesty doesn't suit you well you know...

me: crazy... dinner tayo somewhere in west gate.

b: sure.

me: uy, lunch na ako. bye.

b: yup, bye.

it's called jet lag

i said i would flood my blogsite with all the things in my head the minute i become unemployed.

four days after, my mailbox is overflowing with messages from my avid readers, (namely my sisters and their chihuahuas) because i haven't written a thing since friday.

now let me make this site interactive.

why do you think did it take me four days to write a new entry:

1. i really have nothing in my head.

2. writers' block... (or if you don't consider me a writer, then call it plain writing incapacity).

3. i am in a 3rd world country where power outages and poor telecom infrastructure do not go out of style.

4. i have been busy.

and the correct answer is......


******1




********2




***********3




i had my interview with larry king last june 30.

i flew all the way from funila to atlanta to talk to larry king. by the time i got to hartsfield-jackson, the paparazzi were everywhere. i had to don a blonde wig to trick them, otherwise, they'll be crawling on the windshield of the black lincoln navigator that picked me and asking "who the hell are you and why will you be in larry king?"





anyway, we managed to get to the studio, 10 minutes before the show. here's an excerpt of the interview:

larry king: what's with the blonde hair? is that a wig or what?

me: in case you find me dumb, you can call me "that dumb blonde" and not just "that dumb." that'll be boring.

larry: let's talk about your sleeping disorder. recent studies have shown that more and more women your age are popping sleeping pills just to get some zzzs. do you think we have an epidemic?

me: i think it's a case of life imitating art. if you've read g.g. marquez's 100 years of solitude, it had a chapter wherein the whole macondo had this sleepless epidemic. it was really wonderful. the community was much more efficient because they don't waste time sleeping.

larry: so what do you do when you can't sleep? in fight club, your favorite movie, jack stays up and makes soap.

me: i make soap operas in my head.

larry: you are actually smart. so how come you pretend to be dumb?

me: so we can all hang out together.

****

the interview was suppose to last 20 minutes. but it was shortened to just eight minutes. okay, i'll come clean with this one. the interview was cut because barely a minute after i started yakking, the show's ratings suddenly plunged to its lowest low after 50 years, prompting the advertisers to issue a threat to pull out.

oh the injustice of it all.

*****

i threw my blonde wig to the show's producer and told him: "you know what, someday i will become oprah and you will all be out of TV."

the producer answered: "of course honey, by the time you become oprah--or even tyra, the television will be so out."

grrr.....

just as i was about to let out a blood curdling scream, my phone--which i put on roaming-- rang.

my friends, who were to throw a party for their mom on july 1 were wondering if i can join them.

if alibaba had "abrakadabra," to open up the cave that contained his hidden treasure (i'm not so sure--yikes, it's open sesame pala), the magic word that often opens me up and jolts me back to life is: "let'sparty."

so i got in the next flight to heathrow to party with my friends.

when i got to my hotel in london, the receptionist handed me this:

we miss you, tita diana
an invitation to the concert for princess diana

the party was super. i loved the performances of fergi, nelly furtado and joss stone.

at the after party event:
william, some unknown girl, tom jones, me and harry

harry was telling me to take off my shades to show off my chinita eyes. but i told him, after what happened the past two days, my asian eyes looked partly garfield the cat and partly racoon. and bloody hell, with thighs as huge as that, i think i really better go incognito.

william asked if i am staying to catch the wimbeldon championship. but i remembered that my archipelago has yet to have a new revenue chief and i have to be back in 3rd world manila just in case mrs. arroyo decides to appoint anyone. and i hoped that that anyone would be me.

*****

at heathrow, while i was sipping my tea and taking a bite of my muffin, news broke out that they've arrested a coupla suspects linked to the glasgow airport car crash and they're launching a crackdown among the medical service people.

so yeah, we had to wait longer for another never ending security check before my plane took off.

stop. terrorizing. us.

during the 18-hour flight back home, i was tired, hungry, anxious and sick.

by the time i got off the plane, i realized that july is on its 3rd day, i am currently jobless, my appointment to the cabinet was taking soooo long, my interview with larry king was cut short and the terrorists are bombing my most favorite places in the universe-- airports.

waaaahhhhhhhhh.......

****

i'm now home at my mom's house, currently nursing a jet lag.

*****

ah, the world of pretend.


lovely, aight?

......

i didn't like looking at you because you make me feel so vulnerable.
but yesterday, i was looking. believe me, i was...