as in OH GAAD.
for someone who thrives in the background and whose all time weapons of choice are silence and subtlety, i wonder how i manage to get on people's nerves.
when UNDP and NEDA decided to switch its focus to mainstreaming human rights, from merely implementing political, justice and public administration reforms to foster democratic governance in the country, my environment has been hostile.
i know that look. i can almost hear what they're thinking in crystal clear quality.
whether i'm walking in the lobby or buying lunch at their pathetic caf, i feel them looking at me and i know what they see. this:
they see me rolling... they hating....
yes, 10 days before i become jobless, my class is still in chaos, my brain refuses to function, i have writers' block, my laundry is all piled up, my hormones have turned into venom, the fugliest people are back in school and there are hobbits and vermins who call us incompetent, traitors and ingrates.
oprah and the luxury store, hermes have a term for this:
i was hoping to spend time on the proverbial couch today. but makati seems too far when you've hit rock bottom, head on.
i woke up at 3:30 AM, and since i can't go back to sleep, i went thru my books hoping to find the holy grail that would bring me back to being bright and shiny.
i found Paulo Coehlo's Warrior of Light.
the book is decribed as short notes on accepting failure, embracing life and rising to your destiny.
so i nuninuninu-ed through the first couple of pages and came to page 43 which contains the following text:
The warrior of the Light always keeps his heart free of any feelings of hatred.
When he goes into battle, he remembers what Christ said: “love your enemies.” And he obeys.
But he knows that the act of forgiveness does not mean that he must accept everything; a warrior cannot bow his head for if he did, he would lose sight of the horizon of his dreams.
He accepts that his opponents are there to test his valor, his persistence, and his ability to make decisions. They force him to fight for his dreams.
It is the experience of battle that strengthens the warrior of light.
ho-hum.... yeah, yeah... love your enemies. whatevs.
(for a second i thought i would drop straight to hell.)
love. i remember the first line of the movie Fight Club:
so i got my fight club book and i realized, that at this crash moment of my life, my life has imitated art.
my crash moment.
welcome to fight club.
I am Joe’s Blood Boiling Rage.
I haven’t slept in three days, unless I am sleeping now.
(the preceding lines is the venom, that's already up to my fat neck, put into words)
This buttoned down schizophrenic could probably go over the edge at any moment in the working day and stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-180 carbine gas-operated automatic.
This guy is probably at home every night with a little rattail file, filing a cross into the tip of everyone of his rounds. This way, when he shows up to work one morning and pumps a round into [his] the nagging, ineffectual, petty, whining, butt-sucking, candy ass [boss] people that one round will split along the field grooves and spread open they way a dumdum bullet flowers inside you to blow a bushel load of your stinking guts out through your spine.
It's scary. This is probably someone he's known for years. Probably this guy knows all about them [him], where they [he] live[s], and where their spouses [wife] work[s] and their [his] kids go to school.
***
i crashed.
and i become a misanthrope. i become pol pot. i become idi amin.
but at least i don't go around like the hobbits and the vermins, smiling and asking how they are doing, when truth is, i want them to just go to hell.
***
first rule of fight club is, you do not talk about fight club.
i'll shut my trap now and wait for the search and rescue.
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